Advice for Prospective Parents

"Reasons I Hate Holidays-Easter 1980
This fashion abomination comes straight outta the dawn of the 80's. Let's do a checklist, shall we?
Brown trousers. Check.
Involuntary home perm. Check.
Too-wide clog shoes. Check.
Herb Tarlek-inspired sport jacket. Check.

To make things even more picturesque is the gigantic dirt pile in the background. Neither the front OR back yard was finished when we moved into the house, and the springtime rains turned our 'lawn' (and I used the term very, very loosely) into something that resembled the consistency of Hormel Chili for 'months' on end." (via)

If only I'd seen this before I became a parent--the things I've done to my son which combine Hormel chili, brown trousers, and a home perm certainly mean therapy to come.

Dear Diary-I hate Mom's hair salon!

"2nd grade.

My mom made me this dress, and gave me this perm." (via)

"3rd grade.

I was so pissed at my mom for making me get this short haircut." (via)

Click to Listen

Dear Diary,

OMG-I HATE HER! I can't believe Mom made me get my hair cut so short. I had my school picture outfit all planned. That cute pink vest that Stephanie has too, and those jeans with zippers at the ankles that kind of look like they're Guess jeans, if you don't look at the back pocket too much. I was going to wear the barrettes I made with the braided ribbon that hangs down and has beads at the end.

And Mom RUINED it, like she ruins everything, because she made me get my hair cut like a boy. Also, she specially told Mrs. Ricca that I had to wear my glasses for my school picture. She wouldn't let me get those glasses tinted, even though I told her that Janine Trufilio has hers tinted. AND she wouldn't let me get Ray Ban sunglasses which I totally needed.

Last year for school pictures, she made me wear that ugly dress she sewed, and when I was on the swings at recess, Jeremy Caruthers said he could see my underwear because the stupid fabric was so thin. (At least they were my good underwear that say the days of the week on the back.) The only thing I liked about that dress were the little butterfly buttons. And she gave me that stupid perm. It's like she wants me to be ugly!

Tomorrow, I am wearing whatever I want--and I am so taking my glasses off for recess. Ok, Gotta Go! Have to call Stef and of course, SHE won't let me have a phone in my room!

Luv ya!

Me

Merry Christmas Kids!

Tonight, I dedicate to Christmas. What is the reason for the season? Things like this...

Courtesy of Life is Dynamite, here is Dana. "Me with Santa at age 6 in 1972. This picture explains so many things, most notably my fear of matching outfits. I hated this outfit so much and I had to wear it because my fabulous Aunt Mimi...bought it for me. Undoubtedly the only unfabulous thing she ever did. I remember wearing it to school and standing on line in the cafeteria pretending to be invisible in my head so I didn't have to see if anyone was making fun of me...and it was itchy. Doesn't Santa look thrilled?" Yes, Dana, and so do you. 

In an obvious sign of hindsight being 20/20, the mother of these three has actually apologized to them.  "Here's an apology...If the clothes I put on you hurt your self-esteem or damaged your psyche, I am soooo sorry. The damage done has made you stronger adults." (via)

Let's hope so. 

"Can you ever forgive me? I actually made this sweatshirt dress. It was an original, wasn't it Baby Girl? Surely no one else on the planet had one of these. Again, a lovely homemade bow accompanied the ensemble." (via) Even Santa looks stunned. 

 Of this one, Mom says "we thought the perm would never grow out. What kind of mother would have chemicals put on a child's hair???" (via) 

Sometimes, it's up to me to speak for the children. According to her mother, this little one has 6 separate Christmas outfits, one for each of the holiday events she will be attending. Destined to be a future poster because what child doesn't want to deliver a Christmas message via embroidery on their butt? Either that, or wearing a tartan beret. 

This final holiday entry for tonight is included not so much for the Christmas vest, although that has its merits. 

My larger concern, beyond this child's fashion victimhood, is the fact that this kid is being allowed to put a glass ornament in his mouth, small hook end of course, only before he takes it out of his mouth and puts it in that uncovered outlet! Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays to all our friends and loved ones!

And don't forget to send your favorite hated outfits to myparentsmademewearthis@gmail.com