Advice for Prospective Parents

"Reasons I Hate Holidays-Easter 1980
This fashion abomination comes straight outta the dawn of the 80's. Let's do a checklist, shall we?
Brown trousers. Check.
Involuntary home perm. Check.
Too-wide clog shoes. Check.
Herb Tarlek-inspired sport jacket. Check.

To make things even more picturesque is the gigantic dirt pile in the background. Neither the front OR back yard was finished when we moved into the house, and the springtime rains turned our 'lawn' (and I used the term very, very loosely) into something that resembled the consistency of Hormel Chili for 'months' on end." (via)

If only I'd seen this before I became a parent--the things I've done to my son which combine Hormel chili, brown trousers, and a home perm certainly mean therapy to come.

Planning Ahead

"The most awful posed portrait ever. Sorry, Mom, Dad, but I have always hated this portrait. And yet, I'm sharing it with the world...Let me count the reasons - the baby fat, the bad hair, the pink frilly dress, the orange sport coat paired with a yellow shirt, the ugly "antiquing", and the syrupy smile. Basically, it's just not me." (via)

I love this Victorian-style photo, which I can easily picture in black and white or perhaps a daugerreotype. And I think this young one is misreading the orange sport coat. This was simply a case of parents looking out for the child's future career opportunities.

Century 21 anyone?

This lovely men's jacket, for Century 21, is full polyester, for only $59! What a bargain!

The women's jacket is even more flattering, but alas, only available to Century 21 realtors and agents!

See? These parents weren't dressing their children badly--they were looking out for their future!

Rockin' the Bill Bixbys

"1973.

What were my parents thinking when they got me this outfit?" (via)

Is this seriously a question?? Did the man not look at the curtains behind him?

More importantly--this photo made me instantly think of Bill Bixby. No--not as Bruce Banner in The Incredible Hulk. I'm speaking, of course, of Bill's role in this little known gem, Goodnight Beantown. Recognize these glasses from anywhere?

That's right. Our little friend above was simply rockin' the Bill Bixbys.

Bahamanian Bell Boy

"I'm not really sure why they decided to dress me up like a Bahamanian bellboy, but apparently this is my easter outfit, a great look for me." (via)

I am a fan of the concept here--instead of the belly shirt, the belly suit. Always cute with mint green and orthopedic socks.

And clearly, this family loved their suits--here's another.

"Me in Suit.

So with this outfit it is apparent that my parents thought I should be a CPA or some sort of banker. Wow that's a horrible haircut." (via)

Alex P. Keaton, with irregular bangs, and a god-awful fireplace, clearly the preferred backdrop for all special family photos. Was this one induction day for the Young Republican's Club?

None Too Pleased!

"Written on the back by my mom "Not too pleased!" Well, DUH, look what you made me wear!" (via)

What is a jacket without a collar called? It's not a Nehru jacket, so what is it? Does anyone have the answer for me?

And with the turtleneck--Oh so suave. (And by that, I mean SWA--VAAY)

What outfit is right for raising the Lord?

This rainy day, thoughts turn to Spring
And all the joy that Easter brings.

"Used Car Sales, Electronics Pitchman, or Cattle Auctioneer?

"I suspect my parents dressed me in this hideous suit for Easter. I hope it was not career planning.

Of course my sister, who was/is not a girly girl at all, is not much better off." (via)

Brother and sister, bonded forever,

With lace and plaid, their link won't sever.

Plaid to welcome back the Lord,

I bet in church they sure were bored.

Ruffles make the day so nice,

After lent, return to Vice.

Lapel button reads the Letter M,

This photo here sure is a gem.

What's Cookin' Colonel Sanders?

Today's outfit is so finger lickin' good, it requires a post all its own. That's right--the Colonel Sanders Bow Tie.

"I still remember wearing that little bow tie...I hated it." (via)

While I empathize with his plight, he does look adorable. Perhaps it's the slightly Eastern European flavor of his coat, and his hair, carefully combed and set in place for a big day. But to appreciate that, it's really important to see the outfit in context.

"I could never put my feet next to one another. I liked standing like my dad." (via)

Clearly, the pale, monochromatic outfit was a family trend, although Mom, who looks rather nervous and uncomfortable here, was breaking out with her maroon skirt. Dad and son look serious, staring at that camera with intensity.

What was the day's big event? That's right. First Communion.

And as if to prove that venue was somewhere in Europe, note the boy in sandals with knee socks--always good for a formal occasion.

I must say--it seems rather unfair that Europeans have an ability to rock outfits that would make most Americans look and feel completely idiotic. I'm not saying these kids didn't hate their clothes, but merely that the hating cannot obscure the fact that they can make these things look cute. Is it something in the water?

I love Bamberger's!

From afar, this dapper young man's bow tie looks like it has ears on it. But really, it's just paisley--such an easy mistake, don't you think?

"Yep...It's a Dork...God, I look like a used car salesman.

Want to make sure your kid gets beaten up for 3 years straight? Give him a bowtie to wear for his class picture."

It's also good to see that my favorite menswear store was responsible for this outfit.

"Suit courtesy of Bamberger's Department Store in Newark, NJ. Thanks Dad!" (via)

In case you don't remember Bamberger's--think Ascots! Apparently, the store was famous for neckwear?

The Foundation for Children Dressed by their Parents

Where there is a need, there is always someone ready to help.

Traumatized in his own childhood, this young man grew into an adult who has obviously had the right amount of therapeutic intervention. Now, he seeks to help others.

"Foundation for Children Dressed by their Parents

You can make a difference in the lives of children like these. The trauma of ugly clothing can last a lifetime. Please help to end this needless, but all too common tragedy with your check or money order to..." (via)

Thank goodness the interweb allows such victims to come together, healing themselves by helping another.

Share your pain here. Email your photo and story to myparentsmademewearthis at gmail dot com

A Child Bride update, Leisure Suits and the Dykes of Tomorrow

A random sampling of fun today.

I was thrilled to get an update after yesterday's post about Jessica. Just in case you've forgotten her, here is Jessica, the child bride, modeling for Dress Ups!

What I didn't know yesterday was this:
"I totally forgot to tell you that they fired
me from the modeling gig because they said the look I was giving had gotten too seductive and it was starting to look like kiddie porn." I'm a little afraid that they could even begin to assess something like that!

This poor boy was forced to endure this outfit for a NINE HOUR FLIGHT.

"I was 14 years old and was visiting my friend in the Netherlands, who lived in Bilthoven, a small town not far from Utrecht. For reasons that still aren't quite clear (something about good impressions) my parents thought I should wear a three-piece suit for the nine hour flight to Amsterdam. I'm not sure what my friend's parents thought when they first saw me. Maybe they thought every teenager in Canada wears suits all the time." (via)

Oh, Canada. But on the other hand, let me just say how amazing this kid's parents were to let him travel to the Netherlands by himself.

This young one finds the divine, or the divine joke, in the 70s fashion foisted upon him by his parents.

"Now is as good a time as any to mention one of the funniest style jokes God ever played on the U.S. when He convinced people to think Leisure Suits were cool. Here is an extremely embarrassing picture of myself and my parents. Wow, my mom and I are in matching suits that she made. That’s awful." (via)

Finally,while trolling the interwebs, I came across something that I am simply in awe of, and a little jealous for the cache of amazing photos it already holds.

Let me preface by saying that here in Northampton, Massachusetts, we are proud to claim ownership of the title the National Equirer once gave us.

That's right--we live in LESBIANVILLE, USA.

Dykes of Tomorrow is a bit like a family photo journey through our hometown. Let's visit, shall we?

Here's Carly.

"I don't know what my mother was thinking dressing me in this 3 piece suit, but I really rocked it don't you think?!" (via)

And I think I may have gone to elementary school with Lizzy.

"I HATED pink. I despised it and refused to wear the color in addition to any manner of clothing I considered to be "girly." My mother, however, wanted to have our portrait taken and was distressed that I would look like a boy so the only way she would allow me to wear my sneakers and jeans was if I would wear this pink sweater monogrammed so elegantly with my initials.
I started a club called the Tomboy Club, and there were very strict rules against wearing pink or being a "girly girl." Applicants to the club had to do things like crawl through the mud, hang upside down and run really fast." (via)

The Tomboy Club sounds much cooler than the club I started. The Garfield Club, however, did have membership cards for Tara, the one other member, and I. Club activities largely consisted of being able to copy images of Garfield from the funnies each day. Needless to say, membership never really grew and the club disbanded after Tara and I could not agree whether or not to include Opie in our pictures.

Finally, here's Lisa.

"This was a school pic they made me wear a dress for and I wasn't happy about it. The photographer kept telling me to smile and I thought I WAS smiling! But I really hated getting dressed up for these things."
Really, Lisa? I never would have guessed that from the look on your face.

Thanks again to Dykes of Tomorrow for these great pics.

See you tomorrow! (And as always, send your submissions to myparentsmademewearthis at gmail dot com)